Walking by Faith

I circled back to faith in my early twenties.

This crossroads had been building up for a number of years. I knew I was living in sin, but I had no idea how to step out of it. I had started my first “real” job. It was there I met a woman named, Joyce. She was a believer and she had this way of talking about Jesus in everyday conversation. She spoke about him as if she were talking about a friend. She never used her faith to judge, but stood firm on the line of truth. Her home had a revolving door of people who shared warm cups of coffee and the burdens of their heart. The fruits of the spirit were literally seeping out of Joyce and spilling onto anyone who shared her path. She was the one who shed light on a seed that had been planted in my youth.

A seed that would blossom as my life behind me was crumbling. It was time to make some choices to move forward. It was my time with Joyce and her ability to share God’s true nature that nudged me to find a church home. The first few times I pulled into the parking lot my heart raced. I hung my head sheepishly as we entered the church with my young sons fingers laced in mine. I am so grateful week after week they embraced us with open arms. Soon my heart raced in the parking lot in excitement as I raced towards the blanket of peace that hour provided. The church had a sign as you exited the parking lot that read, “Now Church Begins.”  AMEN!

In my journey I developed some false beliefs that recently came to light.

As a “young” christian I had heard many sermons and studies centered around God’s plan for each of us. I developed the false idea I was supposed to have a deep understanding of God’s plan for me. As if, someday I would have this clear route of my life or at least the next major turns like the GPS on my phone. Taking each turn with complete confidence of the direction God intended for me. The problem is I didn’t feel that confidence with most turns. I felt like I was racing across 4 lanes of traffic to catch my exit or missing the turn entirely. I wasn’t doubting my faith in his plan, but rather if I was heading in the right direction. I was questioning if I was making the choices he intended for me. This created a tremendous amount of weight and anxiety as I navigated life.

Maybe this sounds silly….It kind of is, but it was my misguided reality.

It finally sunk in recently, I can’t mess it up. There is not always a clear right or wrong direction. My peace can only come from choosing to relinquish control to him, EVERDAY.  I must hush the whirl of this crazy world, push aside the longings of my human flesh, and listen to the gentle nudge from the spirit to shed light on truth.  I cannot confine my faith to Church on Sunday, but to pour it into every crevice of my life.  That is the direction I need to go and the decision I need to make. There are days I can feel the raging battle for my soul. I can find peace knowing that war has already been won. I may not always feel confident in my choices or direction, but I can feel courage in who God is and his power to provide through it all.

All I have to do for reassurance is look over my shoulder at the path behind me.  Over and over God has revealed his loving nature in my own life. God is always good. He has taken my many “wrong turns” and made them right. He has used some of deepest pits in my journey to shed light in my own heart. He has allowed me to humbly share my story to provide hope to others. He will never give me the clear vision for what lies ahead. BUT he will give me one little nudge at a time just as he did throughout scripture over generations and centuries of time.

This all came to light in the last few weeks as I have been studying Mathew in my bible study.  In the first few chapters, Josephs role in the story has really stood out to me. He was key in delivering the savior safely to this world, no small task. God did not reveal the entire plan to him. Heck if he had most of us would have run in the lunged for the nearest exit. He provided for Josephs needs and gave direction one turn at a time.

When Joseph found out Mary was pregnant, I get the impression, he was in a bit of a panic…..I can relate 😉 (you can read all about that here) According to Jewish law Mary could be stoned for adultery. He started developing a plan to “quietly” divorce her. He was hoping to save her life and get out of the sticky situation. I see a little of myself in Joseph. I am always hoping for the best, and planning the worst. God provided Joseph reassurance and direction with an Angel who said, ” Joseph do not be afraid to take Mary home as your wife, because what is conceived in her is from the Holy Spirit. She will give birth to a son, and you are to give him the name Jesus, because he will save his people from their sins.” Talk about a turn of events. Joseph went from believing he had an unfaithful partner to parenting the savior of the world…..no pressure!

As I read this passage, my heart ached for such clear direction. I started to wonder how would I respond? Would I have the discernment to recognize the message?

During our group discussion one of the women answered my questions with clear conviction. God intimately knows our hearts. He knows all of our fears, wants, and NEEDS. He knows how to speak to each of us in a way that will be powerful and recognized by us. For example he didn’t speak to Joseph in the same way he spoke to the wise men.

I cannot imagine the emotions that washed over Joseph when Jesus was born. That moment when he confirmed the baby was a boy and fulfilled what they Angel had said…Remember there were no ultrasounds back then! Only to be followed by wise men who traveled to worship your new son as their king.  By then end of Chapter two Joseph had seen enough to leap with both feet. When an angel appeared to warn him of Herod’s plan to kill Jesus and pointed him towards the safety of Egypt, he went. He packed up his young wife and new son to flea for protection. He didn’t question the plan or even wait for the morning sun. He dropped everything to follow God’s direction and spare OUR savior.

Joseph wasn’t the only one. Time after time the scriptures are full of people acting on shear faith. Moses faced with the pharaoh then parting the Red Sea. Joshua taking down the walls of Jericho.  David facing Goliath with a mere sling shot and stones. Abraham raising a sword to kill his son Isaac. The disciples leaving all that they knew….The list goes on and on.  That is the kind of faith I want to live out.

There are times God taps me on the shoulder and I don’t jump to my feet. Unfortunately, I am a little more like Gideon…..”Who me? No, you must mean someone else. I’m just an ordinary girl.” Often I question…I make long list of how I am not equipped for what he put in front of me. If I do agree….. It is only after I develop my own in depth plan to equip myself before I can leap. Time after time God uses the unequipped, imperfect person to reveal his character.  Heck do you think Joseph really felt equipped to parent the son of God and savior of the world? Or that David’s heart didn’t race as he looked up into Goliath’s face? I am realizing it is not about being qualified or comfortable, if it was we wouldn’t need faith.  Studying the early days of Jesus has reminded me it is simply about my relationship with him. It is stepping aside to acknowledge the spirit of God entrusted to me. I must make a choice when my feet hit the floor boards to pursue him in all that I do. I want study his truth so that his word will be the light to my path (Psalm 119:105). These are the desires of my heart. God knows there are days where the flesh may win the battle, but I will get back up knowing God will triumph in the war.