Every Heart Counts: My Journey to Motherhood-Part One

I have had the bones of this written for several weeks now. I honestly kept working on my DIY content, going in a different direction. God just kept nudging this one to the top of the list, as I kept pushing it down. Clearly, I should know better by now!

He has given me this unique and beautiful story that illustrates just how incredible each heart is. In a world of social media we are pushed to put only the best of ourselves out there. The older I get, the more I see beauty weaved through the trials behind me. These messy, imperfect experiences are the ones that grew my soul. If I only put the perfect square version of myself out there, I am not doing God’s love and grace any justice. So here I am, sharing my beautiful mess. Not everyone will embrace this topic, and that is a little intimidating. I am handing this one over to God and hoping his light shines through my words.

Not the Average Story

My journey to motherhood can only be defined as unconventional, but it provides a unique perspective. My first child was definitely unplanned and my second took years of fertility treatments….Proof God has a sense of humor 😉. I have made room for a little human in less than ideal circumstances. Only years later, to ache for those flutters in my tummy and feel that every uterus on the planet is occupied but mine. Today these children are examples of God’s ability to use each and every little heart (even the unplanned) for his good.

At sixteen, I found myself hunched over a positive pregnancy test. I was tucked in a friends dingy basement out of shame.  That moment my entire future shifted. His dad was dancing with joy, but I was terrified. I had no clue what to do next.

I remembered a woman close to me, who revealed her abortion story. I saw the hurt and regret in her tear filled eyes. She lived with a silent shadow over her heart for years. After witnessing this, I knew abortion would leave a scar on my heart far worse than the road ahead of me could. Since then I have crossed paths with several woman who have had abortions.  Almost every single one has a “what if” whispering in the background of their story.  To be clear I do NOT judge anyone who made this choice. It is not my place. I am only here to share my journey to provide hope to those facing the same decisions. I understand better than most the fear and shame that guided their choice.

As a child I played with neighbor girl who was adopted by a loving family. I remember being enamored with the entire process. But, I knew early on sharing my child was just not the direction of my heart. I was terrified of the future. It was honestly full of more hurdles than I could ever predict. But, in that dingy basement my heart had already chose to raise this child. Thankfully I have always had a tender heart and strong will, because I needed both to move forward.

Sharing the news with my family was the most difficult part. Until this point, I had been a “good” kid. I always had As and Bs with little effort and I was fairly responsible. They knew I was going through typical adolescent drama, but they didn’t expect this. My parents were firm on some terms right away: By keeping this child, I was choosing to be an adult. They were not going to raise this him for me and I would take financial responsibility. Both of them pushed me to continue my education. They were willing to help me when I found myself in a bind, but they were not going to carry the load.

There were days I envied people with “more” help. Now, I admire how my parents handled it. Both of them encouraged me when the road was tough, but never allowed me to make excuses. They adored my son, but stayed in the grandparent lane. It was their choice to stay in the background that provided me the opportunity to stand on my own two feet.

Early on I joined every parenting class, tracked down mentors, read books, and made it my mission to figure this “parenting thing” out. I knew my life would be impacted, but I didn’t want my son to feel the consequences. I put my head down to finish high school and college. I stumbled at times, but I finished. Walking across that stage to receive my nursing degree was one of the peaks. There was a huge weight off of my shoulders, because I finally had the ability to provide for us.

The days were long, but the years flew by. Often it felt like more valleys than hills. I dubbed this season of life, “survival mode.” The amount of judgment, shame, and isolation I experienced left scars for years. God was only an acquaintance back then. I was too ashamed to turn to him. Our story continued to go against all the teen pregnancy statistics, and I give him the credit. Loving this little boy with every ounce of my soul was the easiest, most natural part. God wires parents with an innate love and desire to protect our children. It was this love and protective nature that allowed us to thrive in a tumultuous circumstance.

 

Some of our memories 

 

In the midst of the storm God also sent some amazing beacons of light. Throughout the entire new testament Jesus calls us to Love the unlovable. He demonstrates it time after time, and my story is no different. I felt surrounded by people willing to judge me and make me feel less than. There were so many days their words were loudest. However, God put so many beautiful souls on my path to demonstrate his love. I could share story after story, but here are just a few:

Christmas Gift

During our first Christmas season my infant son and I were standing in the Walmart entry. We had saved up some extra money to buy Christmas gifts. It was really busy that day. Out of the crowd a man emerged with a card and said, “I have been waiting here for God to tell me who to share this with, and he chose you. I hope you have a blessed Christmas.” Within seconds he was back in the sea of people. I was shocked.

I opened the envelope. Inside was a Christmas card signed  “God loves you” and $50. My heart was overwhelmed. This was A LOT of money when I didn’t have much. What baffled me more was the fact that God chose me out of that crowd. Until this point I had mostly experienced the judgment of believers. This stranger showed me a different side of God. This man showed me the grace God has for me. I think of that day more often than he probably imagined when he put that card together. I am so grateful he listened to God’s whisper. His actions planted a seed deep in my heart.

Friendship

Until my mid 20s I had a hard time relating to people my age or people with kids. I had a few close friends here and there, but we always drifted apart. It was only natural we were in such different places in life. There was one friend who did not allow our differences or my guarded nature to derail our friendship. She embraced me, my son, and our circumstances. Neither of us had much money so we made the most “vacationing” at each others houses. We could not have been more opposite, but her outgoing, adventurous nature broke me out of my shell. She loved me not in-spite of all my scars, but because I pushed through them. Our friendship fueled a confidence that had been stifled for a long time.

My Brightest Light

My little boy was the brightest beacon of them all. From the minute he entered this world we were glued together. Watching him hit milestone after milestone brought so much joy my heart. His smile fueled my tired heart and now we have a such a special bond. I just adore is his gentle soul.

 

 

People are always drawn to him. I have literally had strangers approach me in awe of who he is. He is the perfect combination of hilarious with crazy long jokes and loves a good prank.  Then at times he just shocks me with wisdom far beyond his years. He is so thoughtful and goes out of his way to show love and compassion. He just has a way of bringing out the best in people, even me!

For example, we were driving down a busy street and saw an entire box of tissues swirling across two city blocks. I was “too busy” with my mission and plans. I commented how sad it was. He said, “Mom, we can’t just talk about it. We need to do something. Pull over and I’ll pick them up.” He picked up every last one with traffics whirling by. What teenager does this? Being his mamma has been the most humbling experience. It has shaped the foundation of who I am today. I can’t imagine my world without him. He continues to amaze me everyday and I can’t wait to see how God uses him!

I am so grateful if you took the time to read to this point. Honestly, the story is only getting started. My hope is that it inspires you to put your light out into the world. It is the most powerful thing each of us can do. If you are in one of the valleys look for your beacons. They may be camouflaged, but I promise he is there.

Deuteronomy 31:6 Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because, the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.